The aching and emptiness inside of me spread like a rapid cancer, paralyzing and breaking me with every sobbing breath I begged to take in, until I could stand it no longer -- until I was down on my knees, begging for an end.
It hit me today like a ton of bricks; I am trapped. I am fucking trapped in a world full of people who only "listen" in anticipation for their turn to speak. A world of cold, cold hearted people -- people whose only real concern is for their own selves.
I.. I feel like I am bleeding to death from a broken heart.. and... there isn't anything anyone can say. Anything that can be said would just be worthless and disrespectful to me. I want to leave this world now, like it has left me. I want to leave it crying on my bathroom floor, watching its life's blood drain out onto the tile. I want it to suffer and beg and fucking plead for an end that might never come.
You might be sitting there wondering just "What The Fuck" has happened to me, just "What The Fuck" has caused me to come crashing down in such a way, but I honestly doubt you could truly fucking empathize. I honestly doubt you would even care.
But I'll tell you anyway.
First, the Gap was completely sold out of the new Stripp ultra-ultra low low rise sunfaded bootcut jeans. Second, someone spilt strawberry milkshake all over the backseat of my brand new HUMMER H2. And, fucking finally, my reservations at the five star elegant and grand Romanesque style restaurant The Whitney were canceled, and I was forced to eat.. at Arby's ...on the long, long drive back home.
The worst part of all is, I ordered regular fries, and there were at least five curly fries mixed in with them. I couldn't believe it. It's like, nothing in my life can go right. If I wanted curly fries, I would have fucking ordered curly fries. It's like, I realized while I was holding those fries, getting the grease all over my very real, very expensive fur steering wheel cover, that there is no fucking order in this world -- no order in my life.
I tried to talk about all of this with my best on-line friend when I got home, but all she could say to me was "Get over it. Your problems aren't even real problems." God, she thinks her problems are the only fucking real problems in the world?
"My cat ran away."
"My boyfriend dumped me."
"My father is a heroin addict turned gay."
"My mother and I are low income and struggling. Neither of us have medical insurance and we are now thousands and thousands of dollars in debt."
"I have cancer."
God, she is so fucking selfish. Everybody is. My problems are real problems too. Fuck her. Fuck everything. I hate everything and everyone.
Go to hell.